Thursday, November 11, 2010

One-winged Butterfly

"For a useful analogy in nature, consider the caterpillar that is “faking” being a butterfly, in order to look good or overcome feelings of self-contempt, shame, or ugliness, and which looks on other caterpillars with harsh judgment, if not disdain, and a desperate need to accelerate their “fixing.” And consider that a butterfly that is genuinely being itself looks on caterpillars with joyful expectancy, knowing that they are all “becoming” butterflies, that nothing is missing, and that the timing of their becoming is in God’s hands. The butterfly looks back on its caterpillar days with thankfulness, understanding its necessity, loving having been a caterpillar as well as being a butterfly. But the caterpillar often is discontent with its condition, wishing to rush its “ascendancy,” thereby stalling and delaying itself." -Jim Spivey

I am in a strange place, some areas of my life I'm living in butterfly mode and some areas I am stuck as a caterpillar. Maybe as a one-winged butterfly?

The past week has been a hard one. A week where I came to the end of myself. And found God there waiting. Ready to take over and clean up the mess. And just when I think I am empty of myself, a new trial comes that lands me flat out again. I see that I have not emptied all that I am, that I have yet again gotten in the way of myself. The caterpillar rears her head and begins to judge. It is easier to guess at what people think and judge them than it is to really communicate with them and love them. More hurts coming out. More realizations. More truths. It is a painful, growing process.

To really be able to love others, we have to first embrace God's love for us, love ourselves, and then love others... not caring if we are loved back.

I have not been loving.

It is a scary thing to walk out into the world and give love... without the guarantee of being loved back.

But if I ever want to grow that wing, it is only through taking the risk of loving and letting go of the judging.

Hello world... I'm ready to fly! (with both wings)

1 comment:

Shannon said...

This is beautiful, my dear friend and sister. Brought tears to my eyes as I can sooo get where you are, have been, and KNOW you are going. How do I "know?" I believe in God's promises - He won't leave you. And I believe in YOU.