Thursday, August 13, 2009

Hurt by Words

Someone hurt my feelings. Actually, they cut me deeply with words spoken that slandered and demolished everything that is important to me. The speaker of the words that were Oh So Hurtful was not someone I could just stop talking to or someone that I could put in my past. It was a very important someone that I will see... a lot. An already shaky relationship was made rocky and irreparable that much harder to repair. For a year now, I've been walking around hurt, wounded, and angry. I've "given" it to God (and then snatched it back anytime I needed to...). I've rationalized it away. I've forgiven. But the hurt has been there, hovering over me. I have spent a year second guessing myself. What if those words were true? If that is the person I am, if the picture that was let loose by those words is who I am, then I am nothing of what I believe myself to be. There were some dark days when my thoughts ran down that trail. And I kept it inside. And I didn't talk about it. Every once in a while, I would talk to my husband. He would listen. He would love. He would remind me of who I am. He would remind me of Who matters.

I took a hard look at the speaker of those words and I saw a very hurting person. A person that, yes, I love. A person I pray for. A person that also is walking around wounded.

But that didn't take away the pain.

I've been carrying it around for too long.

It's time to lay it down.

At the feet of Jesus.

I went to a place of love and safety for me. A place to get advice, to be heard, but most importantly, a place of love. This is what I left with:

What I'm going through with the Speaker of the Words is based on my feelings. I feel hurt. What to do with that hurt? Acknowledge it, feel it, talk about it, let it go, learn from it. A lot of times, feelings control us. When we feel a certain way, we act a certain way. When we feel "bad", we act "bad". When we feel overwhelmed, we act out of control. When we feel hurt, we act out that hurt (prove them wrong or prove them right). The spiritual realm does not take into account our feelings. We are to obey. Obedience brings blessings (good feelings). We are to repent and have a true thankfulness. That leads to positive feelings and a positive outlook on life.

Change comes when we realize we've suffered enough. Lay the hurt down at the feet of Jesus. Repent. Live in gratitude. Seek mercy not justice. The Holy Spirit will take the situations and present opportunities for what needs to happen next in the journey. Taking those thoughts, I've realized I've suffered enough. I've been acting out my hurt. I want to lay it all down and obey. With repentance and a new start.

The guy who leads the meeting that I went to, a man I trust and love and respect greatly, a man simply known as Jim, a changer of lives by the simple acts of listening and loving. Wrote this on his blog...

"When you put your life and your judgments of others on the alter, when you make ready and accept to die, you are invincible. You have no more enemies and nothing more to lose." -- Josif Ton

"Although you may spend your life killing them off one by one - you will never exhaust all your foes. But if you quell your own anger, hate, self-centeredness, and self-contempt, your real enemy will finally be slain." -- Siddha Nagarjuna

We are our own worst enemies - not as children, but as struggling, immature adults. When we finally realize that, and lay the so many ways that is true down in front of Him for Him to handle, asking Him and Him alone to heal the ways in which we were mistreated or misunderstood in our earlier lives, we are finally free to truly live a life of freedom, passion, and purpose.

Thanks Jim, for simple words of love! Thanks Kevin, for loving and accepting me and reminding me of the Truth! Thanks, Jesus, wow. for everything! um... and thanks Speaker of the Words, for a chance to grow.

1 comment:

Kristie said...

WOW! Very deep. I need to chew on it for a while. Love you!